Never Will I Ever

Have you ever heard of the game, "Never Have I Ever?"

Last night, I became terribly aware of some mistakes that I have made in my life. Mistakes that I hope to never make again. I decided to take a spin on the "Never Have I Ever," game and switch it up to something a little more applicable to my own life. I wrote a list of things down that I have learned while I am in China. The list turned out to be several pages long of things that I hope to never do again. Including never complaining about how far church is, never complaining about any kind of arrangement made (be it where I will have to sit in order to eat that delicious ramen or whether or not my shower has hot water), and also never getting a dog. However, I have condensed the list into the elements that I believe to be the most important and perhaps the most applicable to your own life.

And so, without further ado,

Never Will I Ever...

1. Never will I ever take advantage of hearing the prophet's voice live.

There have been too many times that I have been tempted not to listen to conference at the time it was broadcasted because I had other priorities that needed straightened out. Sometimes, I have fallen for those temptations, but I will gratefully say that those times are sometimes and not all of the time.

But this time, I am in another country that doesn't formally recognize what I believe, as a religion. I have to wait a week to hear the prophet's voice. There is a possibility that I could hear General Conference live from China, but I would also be up from midnight to six in the morning. That is sleeping time. Which I desperately need. Even during the holiday.

While everyone else is posting quotes of talks and testimonies that they have recieved from listening to a session, I read all of their posts about it from the other side of the world. Waiting to hear General Conference hasn't been a blast. I miss it. I yearn to hear the prophet's voice. And I can promise you that if I ever have the chance to listen to the prophet, while he is saying exactly what I am hearing, I will definitely take that chance.

2. Never will I ever think of any church calling less or more important than another.

I truly hate to admit this, but for quite a while, I had looked down on callings in the primary.

I know, I know!! Shun me for eternity, I can't believe I ever thought that either!!

But honestly, I was never interested in serving in the primary. I thought other callings were better suited for me. Well, turns out, primary just might be my forte. I was called to serve as my branch's primary choristor and I was kind of shocked. And I had no idea what to do. Everyone was saying, "Oh, that's the best calling ever! You're going to love serving in the Primary!" And I wasn't necessarily feeling it. Also, that meant I had to do the primary program, which I didn't feel the least bit qualified to do.

I was scared that I was going to mess up and I was scared that the kids would all judge me but I was definitely proven wrong. Sure, I messed up but those kids didn't care a single bit. And they still sang their hearts out for "I'm Trying to be Like Jesus" and made me bawl like a baby. (A very quiet, reserved baby.)

It made me realize that it didn't matter if you were the bishop or the cub scout leader. It didn't matter if you were the Relief Society president or the Nursery leader. What you did in the ward mattered and if you weren't there doing your job, someone wasn't getting taught or feeling the spirit or being helped in some kind of way. Everything we do matters as much as the next and in Heavenly Father's eyes, we are all equal. We have to stop looking through man's eyes and start looking through God's.

3. Never will I ever allow negativity to overrun any aspect in my life.

There is a difference between being sad, and being negative. I can be sad. I can have a broken heart and I can be missing someone and I can be beat poor and completely alone but if I am positive, none of that is going to outrule me. Believe it or not, you can be sad and positive at the same time. Trust me, I've actually done it. Yeah, little miss positivity over here somehow managed the impossible (but if you really try hard, is anything really impossible?).

Here is the difference between a negative sad and a positive sad:

Negative sad: "I just lost my job. This really sucks. How am I ever going to find another job? I have to go back out there and look for another job? Who am I kidding? If I lost this job, I probably have no chance at getting another job. My friends all hate me too. None of them are helping me out. Why have I not gotten "I hope you're alright" cake? I freaking hate my boss too. Why would he/she do something like that to me? He/She knows how much I need this job! Growl sob grumble snarl..."

Positive sad:"I just lost my job. This really sucks. My boss says I didn't do anything wrong so at least I know that I'm not the issue. The company probably is just losing money and they can't keep everyone. That also means I'm not the best worker. I'll just have to try harder with my next job. I think I'll call my friend who just broke up with her boyfriend and we can watch a chick flick and eat ice cream and talk about our problems together. I'll probably feel better about it afterwards and I'll know what to do too."

See the difference?

I was reading my journal last night and I came across something that I had said at a difficult time. At this time, I was feeling sorry that I had lost my ticket to go down the tobaggan at The Great Wall and there was another long list of things going wrong that I was adding to that.

But as I was walking down the mountain, hearing the people happily screaming on their way down the tobaggan (not especially helping out with my attitude), I realized something. I said this, "I realized half-way down that this was no way I wanted to remember spending my time in China, feeling sorry for myself."

I believe we can all apply this thought into any of our lives. Do you think you want to be up in heaven, looking back at times and realizing that we spent our whole life being negative and feeling sorry for ourselves? No!

Our mortal life is like my adventure in China. Something that we had long anticipated for--perhaps our whole [spirit] lives--and when we finally get here it is a lot tougher than we expected. But we become stronger and bad things happen but so do good things. We just have to remind ourselves that bad things happen to everyone all the time and we are no exception.

4. Never will I ever not show someone that I love them.

Next to being positive, my biggest goal is to show everyone how much I love them in any way I possibly can. And when I say goal, I mean a goal because I doubt I have accomplished that big of a goal.

In the deep, dark chapter of my life, I had been quite alone. And it wasn't like I wasn't trying. I guess I may have been looking in the wrong places, but it kind of opened my eyes a bit. There have been times when I have put aside helping someone out because I was in a rush. There have been times when I have neglected someone because I was too caught up in my own life. There have been times when I haven't treated someone with love and care because I was selfish and thinking about myself. I definitely regret those times the most. I've said this before, the world is already too harsh and cruel that we don't need any more of it in our lives.

Everyone deserves love. Everyone. Even people who are super annoying. Even people who use you. Even people who talk about you behind their backs. Even people who cheat on you and break up with you. Even people who chew with their mouths open. They all need love, sometimes even more so than they realize themselves. I was caught in a rut and I hated my life because I felt completely alone. Nobody was willing to talk to me or listen to me and I thought it was my own fault. Nobody should feel like that. Ever. Stop what you're doing and look around. More people need your help than you probably realize.

5. Never will I ever question God.

This is a big one. Because somewhere sometime, I had lost trust in pretty much everyone. I don't remember exactly when it happened, or why, but it happened. And it hasn't been helping. I haven't trusted friends who care for me. Or family who always wants the best for me. But especially, I haven't been trusting God. (I feel absolutely terrible about that one.)

I've had a hard time trusting that God has my best interests in mind. Sometimes, when you're staring at the picture inches away from your face, you don't understand exactly how anything He's making you do is going to help in the long run. But, in the end, you'll be able to look back and see what you've painted and realize how absolutely important that one step you took made in the overall painting.

I know it's tough to have faith and trust the Lord. You don't know why you're going through a certain trial. I feel that we as a species, have wanted to know everything all at once. When you were in kindergarten, do you think you could have been taught Calculus and been able to understand what was going on? (I mean, even in college, Calculus is something that will always puzzle me.) You have to be patient and trust that the simple math and numbers you are learning now, will one day help you out while you learn the more complex stuff later.

You have to trust that God knows what he's doing. If Heavenly Father knew exactly when to time the birth of a star millions or billions of lightyears away, millions or billions of years prior to that day, to be able to shine at the exact moment of Christ's birth, I'm positive he knows exactly what he is doing with your life right now.

I would like to challenge you to make your own Never Will I Ever list. Look back at your life and the things that you've learned so far. Are there things that you never hope to do anymore? Write the list down and hang it on your wall or your bathroom mirror. Or even better, put it as a lockscreen on your phone! (Just kidding, that's kind of personal and sometimes people like to steal your phone and while the lockscreen is the first thing you see, it will also be the first thing they see. Unless you're cool with people seeing your personal growth, then go for it. Because I'm kind of a genius for thinking that up. China is a genius and it's rubbing off on me, what can I say?)

I'm positive that my list is going to keep growing, not only while I am here in China, but throughout the rest of my life. I'm going to save some blank spaces for the things I will yet try to improve on.

KEEP MOVING FORWARD

Over and out from Suzhou, China!

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